Learning to Love

(Singles Edition) One of the most beautiful passages I have ever read about love is this: Place me like a seal over your heart, Like a seal on your arm, For love is as strong as death Its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire Like a mighty flame Many water cannot quench love Rivers cannot wash it away If one were to give All the wealth of his house for love It would be utterly scorned. Song of Songs 8:6-7. If this is the true description of love (and really it is), then love is another paradox in life. Love is the most stubborn of human qualities that I have seen. It survives the deepest hurt, and triumphs over the greatest offence. One of my greatest puzzle, a research I am still committed to is where does love lie? Is it in the blood or the bone or heart or in the head? Everyone says love is in the heart. Even Samson’s fake lover Delilah once told him in Judges 16:15 "How can you say, `I love you,' when your heart is not with me? You have mocked me these three times, and have not told me where your great strength lies.'' But how does love survive a wounded and bleeding heart since that is the seat of love in its first place? How do you destroy a throne and you expect the king that sits on it to perform? I hope to have answer for all these. I have seen and read about stories and stories of love – love that will not let go. I see so many paradoxes and I have come to see how strong love is. I see wounded and thoroughly bruised hearts who still kept one thing intact – their love. Look at these words for example: “Despite what Gideon did I still love him even if he does not love me any longer.” - From a jilted woman. “It’s hard enough to love one’s husband and harder not to know his grave, I still miss Tade so much, and I know wherever he is today, he knows I can’t stop loving him.” - From a cheated woman “I still love Steve but I yearn for the sweet Steve I knew … Although I still love Steve but I’m beginning to feel that if something is not done quickly, I will run mad. Two mad people won’t be good for the family.” - From the wife of a drug addict. “If you ask me, I still love Regina and I want to believe that all what she said was the truth but I don’t want the pregnancy.” - From the fiancé of a lady impregnated by his friend “I showed her the way out and called her a gold digger but deep inside me, I know I still felt something for Amaka, I still love her but I need to teach her a lesson…On the other hand I don’t want to shut her out and subject myself to the agony of knowing that part of me is still out there.” - Husband of a runaway wife “Deep down in me, I love him, although my family had never accepted him for once… I still want to marry for love.” - Fiancée of a coming-and-going fiancé “I asked after Femi as I still loved him … I still have feelings for him but I know he is still unserious.” - A jilted lady whose fiancé’s action landed her in psychiatric ward. Straight Talks about Love Here are some basic or foundational truths everyone that wants to understand the biblical concept of love should be acquainted with. Love is of God Real, genuine love emanates from God. “Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. I John 4:7. When true love is manifested in any person, he has simply manifested the nature of God in him. This makes love goes beyond the blood, bone, heart or head. Love is different from lust Though there is a thin wall, the two are different words and worlds entirely. Many young people who profess they fell in love eventually discover they were lusting. They were simply infatuated and the fun is gone after few sexual experience and character discoveries. True love goes through test and like gold refined by fire lasts very long and becomes very precious. People who are always “falling in love” never had their feet on the ground in the first place. Their type of love could simply have resulted from mere display of charisma or admiration of one quality or the other. No wonder everybody wants to love a music star or film star, or a political icon or orator. Ultimately such people if not careful never have a home. Much of the expressions they receive from people are mere lust because they don’t fall under the definition of divine love. Some even get into their lives only to exploit them. Love does not have to hurt. One of the greatest acts of wickedness of humanity to each other is taking somebody’s love for granted. Love is a commitment. Love is a deliberate dumping of oneself and destiny into another’s hand. Hurting this innocent soul is unfair. One man on the first night of his wedding woke up in the middle of the night and looked at his wife deeply and helplessly asleep. He thought in his heart “how can a woman commit herself into my hand this way? See her fast asleep. I can do just anything to her now without her knowledge or ability to resist.” With this thought he said “Lord, let me never betray the trust of this woman or ever hurt her.” We should know however that when love has to hurt, it is part of the fun. There is always the balm of forgiveness and reconciliation. Love is a living thing Think of all the characteristics of living things. You find it in love. Therefore love must be fed, it must be allowed to breathe, to recreate, to move, reproduce and more importantly to grow. This explains why love could be cultivated. Someone who cares for you, gives you gifts, seeks after your welfare or protection may court your sincere love. David and Jonathan so loved each other out of such cultivated love that when Jonathan died, David said, I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan; you have been very pleasant to me; Your love to me was wonderful, surpassing the love of women. 2 Sam 1:26. Love covers multitude of sins Love lives in a big heart, not in narrow minds. That is why the scripture says it could cover a multitude of sin. There is no sin that love cannot forgive and there is no number of times it would be tired of doing that – even when it is more than 70 x 7 times. Love is always forgiving and reconciling in spite of any differences that might exist between us. What we may need to define from time to time is what amount of intimacy or closeness should exist between someone else and you. You can love everyone but you cannot be close to everyone. Benjamin Franklin puts it philosophically this way: Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none. Learning to Love The following tips will be helpful in the light of the foundation we have laid above. Express love If you love anyone express it. God loved the world and he expressed it by giving us his only begotten son. Jonathan loved David and hear what the scripture said; And it was so, when he had finished speaking to Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul… And Jonathan took off the robe that was on him and gave it to David, with his armor, even to his sword and his bow and his belt. 1 Sam 18:1, 4. True love crosses every barriers and boundaries. It does not have to do with sex, race, colour, education, parental background, money or any of these physical circumstances. If it had to, Jonathan couldn’t have loved David. But we are more interested in the fact he expressed it. Many would die lonely and miserable because they don’t know how to love or how to express it. Some expressions are meant for normal daily love relationship with our fellow men. Some deeper more intimate expressions such as caressing, kissing and sex are exclusively reserved for marriage. Love expressed must also be welcomed and accepted. Imbibe the characters of love in I Cor 13 What are those characters? Love is very patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand its own way. It is not irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when others do it wrong. It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wins out. If you love someone you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him, and always stand your ground in defending him. (Vrs 4-7 LVB). Be Sincere and Straightforward Love is not hypocritical. Love does not fake it. Love speaks the truth in love. When it needs to rebuke, it does, because God also chastises us when we misbehave. Love does not pamper even though it lavishes. When you need to speak the truth, speak it in love. You don’t love a person when he is on the path of destruction and you are silent. Prov 27:5 says, Open rebuke is better than secret love. (KJV) Put away your personal reservations and blockade Many of us came from homes and backgrounds where love was not existing or where it was deeply hurt. Some came from polygamous homes, divorced homes, unfaithful parents, battering parents, uncaring parents, unspiritual parents, hyper spiritual parents etc. All these affect our disposition to love and its expression. When you carry this into relationship and eventually into marriage, you run into problems. Some have negative temperamental dispositions. Cholerics for example are least emotional and love is not on their priority list. They thrive more on activities and achievements and may prefer to use you to achieve their goals instead of truly loving you. But the fruit of the Spirit is LOVE. It is not every love that can lead to marriage There are levels and categories of love. Agape love is the genuine love of God that flows amongst us as believers. Phileo love is that love that binds family members together. Erotic love is the one that seeks to exploit the other person sexually. You must always check what is happening in your heart or what is in the heart of that other person for you. Many men and women love Jesus as their Lord and Master – even as their friend when he was on earth. Examples were Mary Magdalene, the trio of Mary, Martha and Lazarus, and others. But they never lusted after Jesus. Then we must understand when we think about marriage that many people can love us but it is not all those people that want to marry us or that we can marry. Love is fundamental in marriage, but that is not all. There must be a physical and spiritual chemistry. You must be compatible and God must speak. Some of those who love you or whom you love simply see you as a friend, a brother/sister, a mentor, helper, a father/mother and never a material for marriage. A love that can lead to marriage has the following characteristics: - It comes from a mature heart (not for kids) - It is God-ordained and arranged - It goes through a systematic process of divine discovery when its time comes (Knowing God’s will – Courtship – Marriage) - It is possessive. It cant be shared with anyone else. Define between love and compassion The fact that you had compassion or pity on someone may not necessarily mean you love him or her. You must confirm this. You ought to love all of God’s creature. But when it comes to marriage, it is not a matter of pity or compassion. It is a matter of who you will enjoy your life with for the rest of your life. If you miss it. You regret forever. Finally, we must recognize that our love for God is always the index of our love for man. I John 4:20 says If someone says, "I love God,'' and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, how can he love God whom he has not seen? So learn to love. Start loving. If you don’t start it now it will be difficult when you have a wife, a husband or some children to love.